her facebook's as public as her vagina
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
