My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
