so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
