God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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