How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
