He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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