fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
