remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
