cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
