Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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