Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
