Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
