WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize