is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
