I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't deserve a penis
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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