im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
