I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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