you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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