Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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