Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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