I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
