You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
