Don't you send me to vm
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
