We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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