i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
