did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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