You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
