So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize