If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize