yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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