I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
