i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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