Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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