Little spoons don't ask big questions
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize