I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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