I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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