20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
