Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
we're so committed to being not committed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
