anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
