This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
