the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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