i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
