she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
