i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
