if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
