Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
