He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
