I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
