Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
