I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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