I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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