i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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