Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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