How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
