So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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