Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
