You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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