No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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