I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You left your underwear on the fireplace
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
